Problems with dating a widower
Let’s try some introspection before we start dating. It’s hard for me to admit I was using dating to prove I was still wantable.I confused being liked with having self-esteem, but that comes This last one is more for the benefit of your prospective beaus.I severely underestimated the toll of having been George’s caregiver.I needed to spend what energies I did have taking care of myself.Let’s see: Real or digital shrines are kosher for mothers, fathers, siblings, children, but verboten for deceased wives … My response as a widower to this “advice” and the “counsel” emanating from the relationship Pharisees is to ask: Have you ever walked in my shoes?I never thought I would ever have to “overcome” a two-decade-plus successful marriage.I hadn’t yet forgiven myself that he died on my watch. Until I resolved my own issues, I couldn’t be present for someone new because I was still living in the past.
I sleepwalked through much of it, too tired to enjoy the fast-paced sightseeing and being out of my comfort zone.
This is a hard one because you might not know until you try.
I tried dating a nice Jewish yogi lawyer (just like me) four months after losing George. Everything we did reminded me of something George and I had done or eaten or seen or hadn’t had the chance to do because his life had been cut short. I also had a lot of guilt over having been George’s caregiver.
I waited 14 months before joining an online dating site, but it was still too soon, at least for me. Yup, time to hit Target and pick up a new spouse now that the old one’s worn out! I hear from so many widowed folk who get plenty of love and companionship from friends and family. Yet the societal benchmark for recovery seems to be seeing someone new.
I could have saved myself a lot of pain by waiting longer. I drank that koolaid as a new widow, but finally realized if I don’t want to date, it didn’t make me any less “recovered.” It also didn’t make me any more or less attractive.